mean-bean-machines:

concept: all normal checkouts are replaced with self-checkouts but instead of losing their jobs the cashiers now get to sit on top of lifeguard chairs and periodically throw wine glasses at me like dracula while i buy my goods

sanerontheinside:

hamster-run-faster:

northernwinedregs:

Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make the happy chemical, you lump of fuck.

did you do the thing with lying unconscious for 8 hours

……… fuck.

sociallyawkwardhufflepuff:

cakemakethme:

Terry Crews coming in with some wisdom

we need terry painting like bob ross on tv everyday 

dndogs:

other people’s puppies when you offer them your hand: *gives you their paw*

my puppy in the same scenario:

xzebrasgorawrx:

zootycoon:

By david Sedaris

thyrell:

digmon:

the best pokemon professor is elm 100% he gets robbed by a 10 year old and his instinct isnt call the cops at first its call another 10 year old

to catch a horse you gotta think like a horse

bisqueware:

I need to like, lint roll myself. On a physical and emotional level

atissi:

museum gift shop: its that vase you saw

me:

museum gift shop: but really small

me: holy shit

chlobat:

tarasmaclay:

dark hozier take me to hell

Chaotic neutral hozier take me to lunch